Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
