I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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