You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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