Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
