shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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