Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
