Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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