Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
this boner is exhausting
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
