My liver just broke up with me...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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