It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
