You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
