She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
