she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
