If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
