I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
