If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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