And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
