Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
