he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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