I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
