Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
