a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
