I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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