There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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