I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
