If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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