My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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