i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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