Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
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I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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