Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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