nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
