He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
