dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
