You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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