as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
