There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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