there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
