When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
