i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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