I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
