I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just found puke in my bra..
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
