either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
