I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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