peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He did a backflip because drugs
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
