Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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