6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Send help, water and tortillas.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
