so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
