I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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