Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
