My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
