If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
