Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
