I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
