I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
