I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
