she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
it's like iHOP with fire
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
